Speechless

Today has been an amazing day! Thank you to all of you who have responded to our website. Your words of encouragement and support are truly touching. I sit here with joyful tears in my eyes. Not only because of the kind words that have been shared, but also because I’m looking at a picture of a little boy that may soon be our son. Yes, we received a referral today! It’s so hard not to get immediately attached to such an adorable face! I felt a connection the moment I saw his beautiful eyes. But, the reality is, that we still have to send his medical report to an International Adoption Doctor for a medical evaluation. This is critical to determine the health of this child (based on the limited information provided). We pray that he is healthy and that the scary medical report we hold in our hands is only what is normal for a typical Russian report. In many international countries, they put really scary medical terms on the reports so that the children can be adopted out of the country. In most cases, the children are perfectly healthy. That will be for the doctor to decipher and explain to us. Unfortunately the doctor we have chosen (and all her staff) is out of the office until Monday, which means we won’t even know when we can get a consultation appointment until Monday. It’s now Thursday, boy, this weekend is going to be long! So, now we are waiting in a different way. It’s a better wait, or at least I hope it will be. It feels good to possibly be one step closer! ~ A

Thoughts as we wait

As the wait continues, I find myself becoming frustrated and disappointed. I feel that I did well after we submitted our dossier at the end of October. I took the time to take a break from the adoption process and to enjoy the upcoming holidays. Two months passed and then in January I found myself in panic mode. Oh no, there are a million things to get done before the referral comes, so I better get to it. I had really thought that we would get the referral early, maybe even as early as February, which was not entirely unrealistic. January and February came and went. I started to realize that the process would not happen on “my timeline.” March came and, again, I felt confident that we’d get the referral. I was on pins and needles every time the phone rang, every time I received an email from my adoption agency, I thought maybe this is the day I learn more about my son. Now, here we are towards the end of April, more than 8 months since we started the process and I’m realizing more than ever that I have no idea when we’ll get the referral or travel. I have no idea when we will bring our child home.

But does it matter that I don’t know? I do know that my son will be home soon, that we will be parents soon. We’ve waited for 5 years to start our family, what’s another 2-6 months? I have a lot to be excited for. Why allow myself to get lost in the disappointment and frustration of waiting? So, I’ve decided to make a list of all the things I am thankful for related to the coming of our baby.

• We’re getting a baby!
• We’re closer than we ever have been to becoming parents and holding our son in our arms.
• The nursery is complete and all major baby items have been purchased.
• We might have time to squeeze in one last mini-vacation – better start thinking!
• My parents are soon going to be grandparents. They’ve waited a long time too. Mike's parents are going to have their first grandson.
• I’m still amazed at the love and generosity of our family and friends. I know they are excited about our adoption.
• I haven’t actually acted on my thoughts of pretending that baby is here (setting up his high chair and pretending to feed a baby, tucking a teddy bear goodnight in the crib, strolling a baby doll around the house). Though I hear it’s perfectly normal if I do.
• We’ve got lots of great toys to keep us busy. Hope we don’t wear them out before he gets home.
• Though referrals seem to be slow coming, adoptions are still happening in Kazakhstan. There are always bumps with any adoption, so I’m thankful that Kazakhstan hasn’t closed or suspended adoptions like so many other countries have.
• We’re finishing those nagging house projects that have been on a to-do list for 5 years. You wouldn’t believe what kind of motivation a baby can bring.
• We’re at a good place now. We've had time to get things done, settle down and feel at peace.

As one parent stated: Each difficult day that passes is yet another day closer to your very own blessing... I’ll have to remember that when I start feeling frustrated with the wait. ~ A

Waiting and staying busy

The past month has been quite busy but also increasingly hard as the wait continues. We visited daycares at the end of March, which was very difficult, but necessary. There are some great facilities in the area, but boy, are they expensive. I struggle most with the idea of returning our son to an institutionalized setting after coming from that his entire life. He needs to learn to depend on us and he needs to know that those around him will meet his needs. This will encourage bonding and trust. I’d love nothing more than to stay home and cuddle, snuggle, and nurture our son to pieces, but we’re still not sure that is an option for us. For now, we are still exploring the options and probably will not make a final decision about childcare until we return home.

We also attended a Baby 101 class. I came out feeling more confident at how much I already knew from reading and talking to friends. The class was great because it was geared towards parents who are adopting internationally and answered all kinds of silly, common sense questions that we had all been afraid to ask. Mike got out of “changing a diaper” on a baby doll, but his day will come soon, at least the real thing will!

The hardest part of this month has been the waiting!!! We had hoped to receive our referral around mid-March, 6 months after we signed the adoption agency contract. This is a timeline given by the agency, but here we are, still waiting. Adoptions have slowed down a bit for several reasons: a large region in Kazakhstan has closed, more women in Kazakhstan are having abortions and more required paperwork seems to be causing delays. New timelines have not been given, but we are hopeful that we will receive the referral by June and hopefully travel by mid-July. For those of you who know me, you know this uncertainty in planning is a true test of my patience. I’ve really had to learn to “go with the flow” as our agency recommends. There is no planning here. Just waiting, praying that our son is healthy and well provided for and trusting that he will be in our arms one day soon.

For now, we will continue taking care of our many lists of things to do – around the house, in preparation for baby and for the most exciting trip of our lives! ~ A